I have a strong sense of loyalty and commitment in life and sometimes I think it stands in my way. It’s not just toward people, it’s toward everything in my life. I am never one of those people who will not finish a project or completely flake out on someone when I say I’m going to do something. I think that causes problems for me because I expect others to be the same way. But in reality it doesn’t happen like that.
I’m loyal through and through. When someone tells me something I won’t really budge on telling that secret. I take things like that as a sign of trust and friendship. And if you haven’t learned anything about me through this blog, you should know that friendship is probably the most important thing to me in life.
If I feel like I can’t commit 110% percent to something then I just won’t do it. I have all these grand ideas of things that I want to do, but I just know that I can’t take them all on at the same time. Sometimes it’s just as simple as rearranging furniture in my house. For example, this weekend, I really wanted to change the furniture around in my house, but I knew I wouldn’t make it through until the end. So I just let it sit…and that’s very indicative of my life. Which brings me to loyalty.
Once I start something, I can’t quit because of my commitment and loyalty to the project keeps my heart in it. Sometimes it takes control of me though. When I got engaged, I knew maybe I should have called it quits but I didn’t because I was loyal to the cause and to the relationship. Right now I’m going through some friendship troubles and I’m trying to decide if I’m still friends with someone just out of loyalty and habit. Those feelings of loyalty just sometimes cloud my judgment and I can’t think straight.
Normally, commitment and loyalty are those qualities that you look for in friends and in partners and no one ever looks at them as an obstacle, right? But I know I’m a good friend because of these things, but sometimes I’m not true to myself because of them. The most important relationship you have is with yourself and I need to repair this relationship. I’ve constantly put others thoughts and feelings before mine and I’ve neglected myself. “To thine own self be true” and that’s something I really haven’t followed. I’m too worried about pleasing others. I’ve lost that commitment and loyalty in myself and it’s so weird sometimes. It’s just like I don’t even care about things that were once such a big deal to me.
But that leads me to another problem I have; disassociation. I have a really big problem with that and I should work on it. That’s a whole other blog post to tackle there.
